Here is how you can lose a little control and trust more

Here is how you can lose a little control and trust moreHere is how you can lose a little control and trust moreNot everything that matters can be controlled, and not everything that can be controlled matters.Thats the paradox with life we want things ur way, yet, most of the times, things take on a life of their own. What if we stop trying to control everything? And start trusting our ability to adapt?Letting go of control doesnt mean not caring. But keeping our minds and hearts open - to make room for the unexpected.As Shakespeare wrote, Come what come may. Time and the hour runs through the roughest day. One way or another, whats going to happen is going to happen.Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moreThe illusion ofsafetyHuman beings crave for structure - we fear things can easily fall apart.Thats why most people love routines. They provide a familiar order to our daily lives. W hen everything happens within specific rules and parameters, we experience a sense of control.In times of crisis, people buy tougher dogs, switch to more authoritarian churches, and prefer comics with characters that are powerful and strong. Being in control makes us feel safer.The Seventh-day Adventist Church, for example, gained 68 percent more parishioners during the Depression than it had during good times. The sales of attack dogs - like Doberman, German Shepherds, and similar - dramatically rose during the tense period of 196770 compared to before that.Gaining more control over our behavior makes us feel safer too. Take for example the detonation of gadgets and apps that monitor everything from caffeine intake, mood swing, changes in concentration, quality of sleep or productivity - technology provides the illusion of control.Qualitative data is seductive - we feel we can rule over everything that we can measure.The less we feel in control, the less willing we are to take a risk, said Paul Slovic, professor of psychology at the University of Oregon.Having control allows you to take on risks you might not take otherwise. Before embarking on an extreme activity, you can measure and judge if the risk is acceptable or not.However, what can be measured has its limits. And those limits are narrower than wed like to believe.As professor Roger Martin,wrote, Given the complexity we face on a regular basis, we naturally seek ways to understand and control whatever we can.The dean of the University of Toronto uses the mapping of the human genome as an example. The scientists who predicted it would solve the worlds medical mysteries had to admit that the entire project had raised more questions - about the complicated interaction among genes - than it answered.The illusion of control makes us feel safe because the world seems more predictable, not because we actually control it.The controlling mindLife is to be lived, not controlled and humanity is won by cont inuing to play in face of certain defeat.? RalphEllisonBeing in control might bring you serenity at the expense of driving everyone else crazy.Control is a signal that we dont trust ourselves, others, and the universe. We believe that, if we dont intervene, everything and everyone will collapse. Thats because we think the world revolves around us - which, of course, it doesnt.Controllers suffer from a deceiving arrogance - they think they can outsmart reality.There are two categories of controlling mindsControl FreaksandWorry Warts.Control Freakshave ahigher than average need for control. They believe that, if they can gain control over external events or other people, theywill avoid suffering - control can prevent bad things from happening to them.Worry Warts, on the other hand, worry too much about everything - from natural diseases to random issues. They love to consider the worst-case-scenario as the most probably one.Wanting to control is the same as wanting to be controlle d. We become dependent on what we want to dominate - we end being wrapped around its finger.Control is a defense mechanism to protect our status quo. We are afraid of potential adverse outcomes. By trying to manage how everything works and everyone behaves, we turn our mind into a controlling one.The paradox of control is that the fear of losing something doesnt allow us to enjoy what we are trying to protect. Becoming over-protective usually backfires. Behaving as a control-freak harms your relationships - you increase the chance of losing those you love the most.Letting go requiresintellectual humility - you are not smarter than everyone and everything else.Steve Maraboli said, Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you dont.The fear of a potential loss is natural. But, trying to control our lives limits us. We get stuck in what feels familiar. Thus, we dont benefit from the magi c of life - we cant make space for surprises or unexpected opportunities.I know. We dont do it on purpose. Being a controlling mind feels out of your control, right?Try autonomy, notcontrolGuess what the most important contributor to happiness is?Money? Fame? Beauty? A hot sex life? No, no, no, and no.According toThe Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,the feeling that your habits and activities are self-chosen and self-endorsed matters much more than your looks, wealth or sexual life.Autonomy is the best giftyou can give yourself and others.Additionalresearchvalidates the notion that happiness is linked to a sense of control over ones life - the more you perceive yourself to be in control, the better you feel.Happiness is about being in charge of your life, not about controlling every aspect of it.Epictetus wrote, Freedom is the only worthy goal in life. It is won by disregarding things that lie beyond our control.Traditionally, the assumption was that people wanted a jo b promotion to be in control over others. Power meant to be in charge (of others) - to influence what other people do and how they do it.A recentstudysuggests that people who desire more power are looking to control one thing - themselves.Researchers from various universities evaluated two different notions of power - power asinfluenceand power asautonomy.Poweras influenceis expressed in having control over others. In contrast, poweras autonomyis a form of power that allows people to ignore or resist external influences - they can shape their own destiny.The researchers wanted to address a longtime question Which of those things, influence or autonomy, would satisfy peoples desire for power? The analysis of nine studies across Europe, the United States, and India demonstrated the primacy of autonomy.People desire power not to be a master over others, but to be a master of their own domain - they want to control their own fate.As George Bernard Shaw wrote, To be in hell is to dr ift to be in heaven is to steer.Autonomy - the feeling that you control your choices - is not the same as the need to control everything and everyone in your life.Theres nothing wrong with seeking control in your life if you can do it in a balanced way. Avoid the illusion of control - that you can measure things doesnt mean you can master them.Life is what happens when we are busy making other plans as John Lennon wrote. When you feel the urge to control everything and everyone, ask yourself What am I afraid of? Embrace surprises - not everything unexpected is negative.Learn to improvise. Kenneth Gergen invites us to play with purpose. The American professor and psychologist believes that we must improvise more in all our relationships. When we do it well, it increases our joy, harmony, and vitality.Freedom is the only worthy goal in life.Choose how you live your life, what you want to do, and how you want to do it - without the influence of others. Learn to identify what you c an change from what you cannot. Dont try to control whats beyond your influence - autonomy is about making choices.Do you want to regain control of your life?Set yourself free from the need to control everything - whats going to happen is going to happen.This article originally appeared on Medium.You might also enjoyNew neuroscience reveals 4 rituals that will make you happyStrangers know your social class in the first seven words you say, study finds10 lessons from Benjamin Franklins daily schedule that will double your productivityThe worst mistakes you can make in an interview, according to 12 CEOs10 habits of mentally strong people